Housing website accidentally assigns 900 sophomores to live in Valley Fields dome


The Office of Residence Life’s sophomore housing website malfunctioned for the second time this semester Monday night. However, the crash landed some freshmen in a new, better living situation than before: the Valley Fields dome.

“With a 4:15 sign-up time, we were hoping to get Humphrey,” said freshman Thurmon Hinkley, speaking on behalf of himself and his roommate Wally Poupon. “But the glitch put us in the dome. At first we were angry, but we realized the amenities are unmatched. It’s got indoor soccer, outdoor bathrooms and a casino in walking distance.”

The Valley Fields dome wasn’t the only bizarre placement. The virus also assigned 800 freshmen to the Athletic Performance Research Center construction pit, 600 to Grand Avenue Mall and 500 to Mashuda.

“Mashuda?” said current Cobeen resident Jackie Jones. “This is part of the glitch, right?”

The cause of the crash is still unknown. Office of Residence Life director George Montana said that the website was tested a week prior to Monday. During the entire trial, the hamster-wheel powered network worked flawlessly.

“After about five minutes, the hamster experienced extreme levels of exhaustion, so I had to replace it with a tiny ferret,” explained Montana. “But that shouldn’t have caused a system error.”

The Office of Residence Life has no clear plan for how it will move forward with housing assignments. But sources told The Golden Seagull that many freshmen have already begun moving their belongings to the football field-sized Michelin Man torso. Marquette may need military intervention to convince them to move back to campus and leave their astroturf paradise.

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