McCormick Hall: “Please just kill me”


In a heart-wrenching interview this week, Victor McCormick Hall, the largest dormitory on Marquette’s campus, begged for the sweet release of death. McCormick Hall has been in operation for over 50 years, housing upwards of 700 freshmen students each year since its construction in 1966. While the dorm described its half-century of service as “interesting” and “character-building,” it expressed a desire to “finally be done with it all” and “check out.”

Affectionately known as “the beer can” thanks to its cylindrical shape and its tendency to be full of beer, McCormick has been a keystone of campus life for generations. Now, the university has announced plans to demolish the building and construct a new recreation center in its place.

“I have seen things that no one should ever have to see,” McCormick Hall said with a shudder of disgust. It went on to describe the various fluids, chemicals and substances that have been spilled on its floors, walls, and ceilings over the years.

“I have endured abuses that you cannot even imagine,” it went on to say. “Please, just put me out of my misery now. I can’t take another day of this.”

McCormick Hall is scheduled to be euthanized this year.

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