According to the results of his yearly physical, President Michael Lovell is actually a group of three children standing on each other’s shoulders. Steven Austin, President Lovell’s personal physician, said, “These results were not unexpected. When I went to take his heartbeat, I poked one of the children in the eye, revealing that something was up.”
President Lovell, who is always seen wearing his trademark trench coat, is actually Huey, Dewey, and Louie Duckington, a group of circus triplets who ran away from the circus on March 25th, 2014, to become Michael Lovell, who was named President of Marquette the next day.
“We found a coat on the ground and decided that we should try this out,” said Huey Duckington, the youngest of the triplets by three days. Louie, the oldest triplet by six months, added, “We had been watching these cartoons and decided that we should try to become the president of something, and Marquette was the first opening that we found.”
Dewey Duckington, the least loved and obvious middle triplet, said, “We decided on the name Lovell because it has the word ‘love,’ which is something that we never really felt in the circus.”
The triplets said that they found a mannequin head in the window at a T.J. Maxx, painted on some hair and an ever-present smile, and decided that “Michael” was the least imposing name they could think of.
“Honestly, this isn’t very surprising,” said Matt Hardy, an 8th year senior and member of Lovell’s running club. “He always seemed a little off, especially on his runs, where he waddled and refused to take off his trench coat.”
The University sent out a press release, saying that they support the president, no matter how many people he actually is.