For several months now, Nattie, the new MUPD therapy dog, has been on Instagram, trying to trick Marquette students into thinking that she is cute or useful. All this time, everybody has been afraid to acknowledge that she is neither, mostly because of out-of-control political correctness.
But as your columnist, it is my job to be courageous and stick up for opinions that nobody else is man enough to say, so here goes: Nattie sucks. She isn’t an elite dog. Nattie is bad. Bad dog. Bad.
Allow me to be the first to question Nattie’s effectiveness at her job, first of all. Her Instagram account is clearly trying to convince us that she’s some kind of superhero, but I nor anyone else have ever seen Nattie fly or shoot lasers from her snout once. Clearly, her MUPD handlers can’t defend Nattie on the merits, so they have to fabricate these stories. This is a scandal I will comment further on in my next column.
Furthermore, have we ever actually seen Nattie be helpful to anyone? I stood in the student union yesterday asking random strangers if Nattie has improved their lives, and the answers ranged from “not really” to “stop talking to me, weirdo.” Clearly, the student body at this campus knows in their hearts how useless Nattie is, but aren’t woke enough to admit it. You’re welcome, by the way.
In fact, by MUPD’s own admission, Nattie can’t even sniff for drugs or horribly injure criminals or do any of the cool stuff that real police puppers do. What’s next, MUPD? Can she also not do that paw-handshake thing that literally every dog can do? Is a game of fetch beyond Nattie’s mental capacity? What, exactly, can Nattie do besides upload her own Instagram pictures?
All of this is beside the real point: Nattie isn’t even that cute. Look at this recent Instagram picture, in which she encourages people to “come look at how cute I am.” (Insecure much?) Her whiskers are way too long and reminiscent of a guy going through a bad breakup that has given up on shaving. She appears to have two black eyes, and we know she isn’t a brave enough dog to have gotten them fighting a criminal. Plus, she doesn’t have much of a tail to speak of.
This is a six-out-of-10 dog, tops. Now you can show your friends this column every time they say “awwww” over this mediocre, C-plus dog.