Wednesday morning, MUPD’s fuzziest PR stunt Nattie went to the Church of the Gesu and nailed a paw-written copy of Martin Luther’s 95 theses to the walls of the church.
The action comes in response to this year being the 500th Anniversary of the Reformation, a movement in the church that began by Luther nailing a list of propositions and concerns with the Catholic church to the Wittenberg Cathedral.
Nattie, a devout Calvinist, drew controversy with her actions due to the perception that she was in some way trying to undermine the Jesuit values. She promptly responded with a moving statement that reads, “bark….bark...bark bark bark."
Officer Keith Stone, Nattie’s handler, defended the dog by releasing a statement saying “Nattie’s actions were in no way meant to demean the Catholic values of the campus. She just felt called to represent Protestants on campus by commemorating an event near and dear to her heart as well as communicate some of her astute theological musings.”
The posted document contained some of Luther’s original theses, but also had some Nattie originals as well. First, she called for all dogs to go to heaven as long as they are good boys and girls. This was followed up by calling for all cats to go to hell.
Nattie also drew the clarification that feeding her treats in exchange for her not arresting you is not blasphemous in the way that indulgences are, even if they bear a striking resemblance.
Her final primary contribution was a series of theses stating that communion wafers should be replaced with Milk Bones and that members of the church need to remember the call to put your tail between your legs and come to the Lord in repentance.
“I was initially shocked that Nattie’s comments carried such theological weight," Assistant professor of Theology Dr. Jeremiah Weed said, "But dog backwards does spell God, so maybe they have inspired wisdom that we have not yet tapped into”.
The response from students has also been overwhelmingly positive. Lutheran student Joel Burfield said, “It is awesome that as a campus we can come together and celebrate such a seminal moment in the history of my denomination. I just wish it was being acknowledged by the University and not forced into attention by an animal.”
Reports have confirmed that Nattie will be giving this week’s homily at Redeemer Lutheran church this Sunday with a dog-to-human translator. All are encouraged to attend.