In front of a packed house at Marquette Madness, university president Michael Lovell announced that Marquette University will change its mascot once again: this time, to the Golden Foxconns.
“We can’t think of any better way to welcome Foxconn, our new lord and savior, to southeast Wisconsin than to change our school mascot in its honor,” Lovell said.
Preliminary designs for the new mascot have hinted at it being a FOXCONN television with cartoon eyeholes. It will appear at several Marquette events over the next week, including Tuesday night mass at Joan of FOXCONN chapel.
“It may seem over the top, but we’re talking about potentially thousands of entirely hypothetical factory jobs,” Lovell said. “Plus, think about all the internships and professional growth opportunities our students could maybe have, starting with the class of 2023.”
FOXCONN, the electronics manufacturing company that recently agreed to build a plant in Wisconsin in exchange for $3 billion in incentives, is working to establish deeper ties with Marquette. Company spokesperson Ollie Garky says FOXCONN will look to aggressively incorporate Marquette into its corporate infrastructure.
“We were hoping to merely co-opt several dozen students to do some class-mandated PR or marketing for us, but as soon as President Lovell hired a plane to skywrite ‘FOXCONN is lit’ over campus, we knew we should be doing more,” Garky said. “Maybe we could even buy the university at some point if we’re around long enough to do it.”
Sources within the business school’s administrative office are less optimistic about the new relationship. “We were promised 15 internships per semester for Marquette students, but they only offered us three,” an anonymous staffer said. “The rest are being withheld until we replace every book in Raynor with FOXCONN’s standard operating manual.”