In the recently released Forbes 2017 list of top colleges and universities, Marquette was ranked #1 in Boring Irish Catholic Guys, beating out long time title holder Notre Dame.
The rankings are decided using an algorithm of prayers to St. Anthony, sunscreen usage, number of siblings, and Guinness consumption. The news was greeted on campus with hyper masculine body slam hugs from some students and eye rolls from everyone else.
“While the recognition is nice to have, we didn’t need a list to know we were number one”, says Junior Patrick McConnell, “the pure volume of read heads on campus already made it pretty obvious.”
This new title comes after years of university advancement in First Communion throw-back Thursdays, years of enduring potato jokes, and immense Catholic guilt. While taking pride in this new accomplishment, Senior Patrick O’Malley reiterates the importance of staying modest.
“We’ve earned this title, but now we need to maintain it. We need to work harder, keep talking about how casually we drink with our parents and every chance we get break down to random classmates exactly what percentage Irish we are, people like that.”
“Some people call it generic Chicago suburb heritage,” says freshman Patrick Kelly, “but I call it the luck of the Irish.”
Despite accusations Marquette assures the public that local upstanding businesses Murphy’s and Caffery’s had no influence on the rankings.