“Build a wall, make the transfer students pay for it” claims embattled University Leadership Council
After record numbers of transfer students in this year’s undergraduate class, Marquette University Leadership Council member Dan Brooks issued an emergency press conference addressing the pandemic.
“They’re taking jobs away from hardworking students that have spent their entire academic careers at Marquette,” Brooks said. “They’re taking our desk receptionist jobs, they’re taking our dining hall jobs, they’re even taking our campus media jobs. They’re taking our money. They’re killing us. Sad!”
During the press conference, Brooks issued an action plan to solve the issue. The solution? A wall to be built around Marquette’s campus.
“We will build a great wall—and nobody builds walls better than Marquette, believe me,” Brooks said. “We will build a great, great wall on our campus borders, and we’ll make the transfer students pay for the wall. Mark my words.”
The wall structure, designed by a group of Marquette engineers, and submitted 3 minutes before the 11:59 p.m. proposal deadline on D2L, details that the wall would be as tall as 200 feet, and up to 6 feet wide.
It has been met with skepticism as to how the wall will be funded, and any direct questions on the topic were misdirected. The University has reported that the funds will not be drawn from the University’s Athletic funds however, as providing basketball players with hover boards is of the utmost importance.
“The big trend in school policy lately has been building walls, and frankly I don’t get it,” said Marquette President Michael Lovell.
The wall would extend from campus’ Western border on 20th street, to the Eastern border at 11th street. It is worth noting that the area around Straz Tower has been excluded from the wall plans, due to the recent travel ban to and from the hall for university students.
"It was done for the security of our university, the security of our students, and so that people who come in who aren't going to do us harm,” Brooks said.
The travel ban, though met with caution, was also established by Brooks, to limit personal interactions with honors freshmen and sophomores, the majority of whom call Straz home.
“No part of the plan makes sense, I love it,” said freshman Adam Sakowski. “He’s just trying to make Marquette great again though, and I’m all for it!”
At press time, it was revealed that tuition costs for the next year are expected to rise 200%.
Photo by Jamey Schilling