In a lengthy email Tuesday night, MUSG President Adam Kouhel invited all Marquette students to help build his dominant dairy empire on Facebook’s most popular game, FarmVille.
I am writing to you today to invite you to join me on FarmVille.
Over the past few years, I’ve headed a virtual agricultural oligarchy. I’ve accumulated more XP and Farm Coins than the average human can handle. I’ve decided to share my excessive wealth and valuable experience on the pretend pastures with all Marquette students.
Beet farmer Dwight Schrute once said: “Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.” I hold these values in high regard, and consciously apply them to my work on the e-pastures every day.
I promise you that every day that I serve as MUSG president, I do so for one reason — to ball out on my digital dairyland. I also promise that if you vote for Reba and me in the upcoming MUSG presidential election, I will send free mystery gifts in your direction.
If you have questions or concerns, please reach out to me. But if you ain’t talking Farm Coins, I don’t wanna talk.
Kouhel’s invitation is part of his radical platform in the MUSG presidential election. At a recent debate, he talked about replacing the Marquette Limos with a fleet of John Deere tractors, implementing a dress code of blue overalls and pink farmer tans, and petitioning Sodexo to serve grits.
Students are split in opinion on Kouhel’s bizarre new initiative. Greg Mendel, senior biological engineering major, is all in on the presidential candidate’s plan.
“I smashed that accept button,” said Mendel. “Hopefully he helps me with my pea plants. I’m trying out some dumb experiment on genetic variance. Isn’t diversity one of his platforms?”
“Screw FarmVille,” sneered Hamilton. “America’s economic future lies in BankVille.”
The Golden Seagull reached out to Kouhel for comments.
“I just could really use some spare farmhands,” said Kouhel as he campaigned against GMOs — gardens moving offline — while chewing what he probably thought was a wheat grain stem, but was actually a shoe string. “Either I spam my friends for help or pay real money for Farm Cash. Good thing I have 8,387 undergraduates at my disposal.”