MILWAUKEE – On Sunday, the Marquette chapter of the Zeta Alpha Kappa (ZAK) sorority awakened and summoned the legendary Nordic sea monster known as “the Kraken” to their off-campus home.
The newly recruited members had to do what is known as an “affirmation chant” to show their loyalty to the sisterhood and their excitement to be a part of the community. The chant goes as follows, “I’m all in to Zeta Alpha, to ZA I am all in, I won’t be backin’ out, cuz Zetas always win.”
Unfortunately, the high decibel count of their chant reeked more havoc than anticipated. The loose rhyme of “backin’ out!” to “Kraken Out!” was enough for the horrific sea monster to be awakened and summoned to the exact location of the house on the 1700 block of Kilbourn after centuries of hibernation off the coast of Greenland.
Katelyn Henderson, a junior member of ZAK, was the first to notice the disturbance. “I was taking a shower on Monday morning and all of a sudden, three large tentacles erupted from the vents and tried to take me into the sewers. I immediately called my big (who by the way is like the best person ever) and she said it was probably just a plumbing issue” said Henderson. This was not just a simple plumbing issue, as the entire Marquette student body was dodging tentacles coming from manholes, storm drains, household plumbing, and the Milwaukee River for most of the day.
Finally, the Nordic god Odin was able to respond and quell the beast, but not without a significant amount of damage left not only to the physical campus, but the reputation of the campus’ Nordic sea monster awareness program.
One reporter was able to reach Ægir, the Nordic god of the Sea for comment. “This is just a major oversight by the leadership of ZAK”, Ægir said, “We have massive canvasing campaigns every year on college campuses about the dangers of Kraken summoning, but apparently this entire organization decided to ignore all of our posters and street barkers.”
As a type of penance for this massive oversight, ZAK has decided to formally change their philanthropy to supporting The Kraken Response Fund, a non-profit organization dedicated to providing Kraken awareness and relief services across the globe.
Eugenia Vanhala, big to Katelyn Henderson, commented, “we just really don’t want this to happen to any other sorority. Especially if they are naive enough to believe that tentacles coming out of a drain is a minor plumbing issue like I was.