President Lovell announces policy of extreme vetting for non-suburban Chicago students

MILWAUKEE - Noting an influx of students from beyond the border of a 50-mile radius around Chicago, President Lovell released a statement indicating a new “extreme vetting process” for all prospective students not from a suburb of Chicago.

Lovell’s spokesperson stressed, “This is not a ban on everyone from outside of Chicago, but we need to protect our most valued students in this time of uncertainty.”

Sources say the vetting process will involve a review of all potential students’ social media accounts, in order to ensure that “#FlyTheW” has been used during the last six months.

Chicago community leaders including Mayor Rahm Emmanuel, Bulls star Dwyane Wade, and special advisor Dick Portillo have all come out in support of the measure, noting Marquette’s longstanding commitment to serving the suburban Chicago community.

Notably, the vetting process was not extended to international students, who generally pay a much higher tuition rate than American students.

The measure has been met with backlash from other Midwestern students. High school senior and Kenosha, WI native Henrietta Lu was held for 8 hours in Zilber Hall on Sunday, while university officials worked with MUPD to investigate her background and pronunciation of the word ‘bag’.

A candlelit prayer service was held outside Joan of Arc Chapel, where several protesters were heard saying the word ‘bubbler’.

Winnetka, IL native Jake Dolan says he supports the ban. “Sometimes I feel out of place when people here are talking about the Packers all the time”, he commented. “I can now rest assured that President Lovell cares about the silent majority of suburban Chicagoans at Marquette”.

#PresidentLovell #MichaelLovell #SuburbsofChicago #Chicago #Vetting #ColemanReese #FGAM

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