Ask Clarence: 8 Easy ways to pay off your Marquette student loans
January 30, 2017
Students are always asking me tips on how to save money and how to pay for school. Now that Marquette is raising tuition again, it seems like a good time for some advice from your old buddy Clarence. Here are 8 easy ways to pay off your Marquette student loans!
1. Donate plasma. Donate organs. Do you know how much your body is worth on the black market? Probably enough to pay for two years of tuition! I mean, do you really need TWO arms?
2. Sell your soul on eBay.
3. Instead of memorizing anatomy terms, devote your time to learning how to memorize a deck of cards. Now you can go count cards down at Poto, until your winnings raises enough suspicion for a bouncer to grab you by the lapels and haul you out of the casino.
4. Acquire roosters and start a cockfighting circle in the basement of Mashuda. Nobody is ever down there anyway. Cockfighting has always been my plan D, if you will, to pay off loans.
5. If you have a decent camera, try being Instagram famous. If you have enough followers you can get paid for using the Facetune app and documenting every time you drink Skinny Tea.
6. Travel back in time to urge your parents to work harder so that present you can simply inherent a boatload of cash.
7. IT majors are encouraged to use the skills taught in HACK 4001 to alter their payment records. Make sure to wear either a ski mask or a V for Vendetta mask while you do your hacking in order to maintain your anonymity.
8. Fling yourself into traffic! Make sure you get hit by a Mercedes. Suing the pants off of someone is truly the American Way. We have heard that getting hit by a Marquette Van will result in receiving free tuition. I cannot confirm if this is true, but I would rather die than research any of my claims.
If you ever have a problem or just need some friendly advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject "Ask Clarence" and I'll be there. Until next time!