MILWAUKEE- Underclassmen at Marquette University have submitted a formal communique announcing plans to unionize. According to the document, the decision was prompted by the tendency of upperclassmen to deny younger students entrance to various house parties.
"It's bogus man," said freshman and union spokesperson Billy Miller. "Ageism is real and we're sick of being oppressed, that's why we formed this union, to organize against fascism." Miller said he first became radicalized after taking an introductory level philosophy course.
A proponent of the union, Allyssa Meyer called the founding students brave. "It's about time someone brought attention to the exclusionary practices that go on here at Marquette," said Meyer.
Not everyone has had positive reactions to the news, however.
Junior Nate Brown called the idea immature and whiny. "The rules are the rules," said Brown. "If you don't know anyone already at the party, you can't come in, if we wanted a living room full of drunk freshman, we'd live on Kilbourn."
Another of the union’s critics, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, addressed city hall this morning, promising to crush the union before it receives any traction.
Despite shaky support, Miller remains optimistic. "Yeah, maybe it's a little crazy, but as my second favorite Lenin once said, 'Without a revolutionary theory there cannot be a revolutionary movement.'"
While house party entrance is the union's major demand, other conditions listed in the communique include the discontinuation of the slur “lightweight” in regards to alcohol consumption ability and inclusion in pick-up basketball games at the Helfaer Rec Center and Rec Plex.
As of today, the union has six official members, but should have seven once a current member's roommate pays his dues.
Until their demands are met, the students plan to deny upperclassmen dining hall guest swipes. According to Miller the students had originally planned to stop paying upperclassmen to buy them alcohol, but did not want to sacrifice those connections.