OMAHA, NE- After returning home from his fall semester at Marquette, sophomore David Johnson was greeted with a new system of rules by his parents. Specifically, rules impacting social hangouts with friends.
The system requires the submission of a request form for any social gathering outside of the house, 24-hours in advance of the event. Required information on the form includes, but is not limited to: time of hangout, location of hangout, expected guests, and suspected level of parent supervision.
“David is in college, which means he has all the freedom in the world to hang out with whoever he wants, whenever he wants, so long as he submits his request 24 hours prior to the hangout time,” said Maria Johnson, David’s mother.
In order to strengthen the legitimacy of the form, lawyers were consulted in order to prevent any possible loopholes.
“Our lawyer told us that by being born, David has naturally agreed to numerous terms and agreements. It even includes my right to pay him below minimum wage to mow my lawn. How neat is that?” said Tom Johnson, David’ father.
Upon submission of the form, according to the system’s “follow up” clause, David must also continually update his parents on his status via text every 20 minutes, or upon any change of location.
“All requests must be typed out, and submitted according to our bureaucratic standards. Submissions which don’t follow these standards will be deemed invalid according to Nebraska State Law,” said attorney Jeremiah Walker.
The approval system has already been deemed a massive success by the Johnson family, as it has let them know where “their special little guy is at, at all times.” While it has found success in the Johnson home, there are those who are skeptical.
“I’ll admit it’s super bizarre, but it’s hardly the weirdest thing Mrs. J has ever done,” said Michael Reeder, longtime friend of David. “One time he got grounded for a month just because he watched me play Grand Theft Auto for about half an hour.”
David was less than excited about the implementation of the new system.
“I just can’t wait to get back to school where I can leave my dorm without question at 2 a.m., like a normal person,” said David.
At press time, the Johnson parents revealed plans to automate the system by introducing an app which allows a user to submit the approval form. It’s set to come out May 2017, just in time for summer vacation.