The blank word document sat open for its 23rd consecutive minute, taunting Golden Seagull writer Andy Goldberg.
“Come on, funny man,” it seemed to say. “Do your worst.”
As Thanksgiving approaches, many of the writers for Marquette’s Golden Seagull, the satirical news service that “The Onion” totally ripped off, are experiencing a similar malaise.
“It doesn’t help that most of us are lazy as hell to begin with,” fellow writer Johnny Park said. “We’ve talked about doing videos, podcasts and even Facebook Live stuff, but I can barely motivate myself enough to do an article once per week.”
Staff editor Josh Schroeder, who started the Seagull over the summer, admits that it has fallen short of its lofty goals so far. Specifically, Schroeder admits disappointment that the group has not yet conquered its arch-nemesis, the Marquette Wire.
“By this point in the year, we should have taken over the Wire’s offices and finished off the last bit of resistance from Marquette Radio,” Schroeder lamented. “Instead, I pick up the newspaper on Tuesdays and what do I see? Not one person’s picture has a mustache drawn on it. Not a single headline has ‘in the bedroom’ written after it. I have the worst staffers.”
A dwindling number of ideas has only contributed to the recent struggles at the Seagull. Goldberg says that he already used all of his good ideas at the start of this year and now can’t think of more.
“I wish this school were worse,” Goldberg said, slowly letting his head hit the desk. “Then I would have so much more stuff to write about. I might have to just phone it in and start posting re-hashed, unoriginal crap in the hopes that people might find it relatable.”
With tears rolling down his tired cheeks, Goldberg softly whimpered, “Is this what it’s like to be an Odyssey writer?”