Golden Eagle migrates to Miami for the Winter
MIAMI – Reports have confirmed that the Marquette Golden Eagle has checked into a condominium in Little Haiti, Miami where he will remain for the duration of the winter. This news comes as a shock to students and fans across the Marquette campus who expected the beloved avian creature to remain in Milwaukee to help support the winter athletic teams. “Of course, we would love for the figurehead of our athletic department to be here for basketball season, but you have to remember that this is a wild animal, and its migration patterns must be respected” said MU Athletic Director Bill Scholl. Before it departed on its flight to Miami, the Golden Eagle released a press statement saying, “In this winter, this is very tough, in this winter, I am going to take my talons to South Beach and enjoy the Miami heat.” This decision outraged fans and in response, many people burned Marquette gear featuring the Golden Eagle logo on it as well as the large banner outside of the Bradley Center featuring the Golden Eagle with the caption “we are all witnesses”. “It just makes no sense. I mean the Eagle was raised here and this was its hometown team. I can’t believe it would migrate during the most important sporting season our school has. It just sickens me” said junior student Graham Stone. In the sea of hatred and hurt feelings, many people tried to maintain the Golden Eagle’s legacy by pointing out that this decision is simply a result of migratory patterns, and that the Eagle would be back in the springtime. However, this argument was quickly rebutted with the observation that in 12 years of the Golden Eagle being the mascot, this was the only winter in which its migratory patterns seemed to cause problems. To resolve this dilemma, President Lovell decided to appoint a student to wear a suit that would give him or her the appearance of the Golden Eagle to serve as a placeholder during the basketball season. “This situation will really hurt our university’s brand seeing as how we will be the only ones in the NCAA with a fake mascot, but I have consulted many ornithologists, and there is just no way around it” said Lovell. Sources have confirmed that Jump Around Guy is the leading candidate to wear the costume pending a full medical examination.
Photo by Ian Schrank