It’s 8:30 a.m., and junior Matthew Hearst has just woken up. He didn’t get out of bed until 11, though.
Instead, he spent two and a half hours binge-watching “American Pickers” in his underwear, ignoring the harsh light of day beckoning outside his window. He has four midterms in the next 48 hours.
“I told myself that I needed to skip all my classes today to study for midterms, but I haven’t even looked at my study guides, “ Hearst said as he devoured the Doritos that would serve as his lunch. “Pretty sure they’re somewhere over there.”
Hearst halfheartedly gestured across the room to a stack of papers on his desk. Closer examination revealed most of them as either unpaid credit card bills or expired coupons from Taste of Milwaukee.
“This has been building ever since the start of the year, but this is the first time I’ve had to stop and think about what the hell happened to the last two months.”
The festering cesspool that is Hearst’s existence has not been lost on his roommate, fellow junior Robbie Maxwell.
“I probably enabled it in some ways,” Maxwell said. “Every time he would try to do homework or call his parents or walk more than six consecutive steps, I’d ask him if he wanted to play a quick game of FIFA. We usually end up playing at least six.”
“It was great at first,” Hearst said. “I thought that beating everyone at FIFA was the coolest thing ever. But then I checked my grades and realized that being halfway employable would probably be pretty cool too.”
There are some positive signs for Hearst among an otherwise bleak picture. He admits that there was a window of eight seconds when he thought about going to the gym earlier today. For a moment, Hearst even waded through the stuff on his desk to grab his statistics notes….before deciding “nah” and going back to Reddit.
While other students in Hearst’s situation might be concerned at the gaping maw of despair and body odor that life had become, the junior delinquent is taking it all in stride.
“I can always get it together right before finals,” Hearst said.