Campus ministry announced today that they will introduce pumpkin spice flavored communion wafers for the month of October. This is the first documented use of pumpkin spice in the Catholic Church’s 2,000-year history.
“We may be part of a powerful, wealthy international organization with over a billion members, but it’s time to acknowledge that pumpkin spice has grown bigger than all of us,” said campus ministry staffer Sarah Jacobsen.
The move is reportedly an effort to compete against coffee chain Starbucks, which has reportedly been negatively impacting the church’s market share among Marquette students. Father John Stamek is particularly concerned.
“All the people that I used to see in Joan of Arc for noon mass are waiting in line at Starbucks now,” Stamek said. “If we don’t adapt, the millennials will say that Catholicism is ‘uncool.’ And once that happens, you might as well close up shop.”
Not to be outdone, Starbucks has already announced plans to debut a special Pumpkin Christ Latte for the entire month of October. The new lattes will only utilize coffee beans from plants that are irrigated exclusively with holy water.
“There’s never been a concerted effort to combine the divine, blessed sacraments of the Most Holy Trinity with coffee before,” Starbucks representative Jason Tomassini said. “This is an exciting untapped market for us.”
Pumpkin spice wafers are the latest among numerous attempts to mix religion and social trends. Christian Tinder, Catholic weight loss programs and Muslim yoga have all gained prominence in recent years. Now Joan of Arc has decided that it’s time to join the fray and “spice” up their mass.