Two days ago, Jimmy Donovan couldn’t have been more excited about finally going to college. He was looking forward to meeting new people and creating lasting friendships at Marquette.
Today, Jimmy realizes that any hope of finding friends is lost. Today, Jimmy’s mother made him wear his lanyard around his neck.
“It’s such a convenient and easy way for Jimmy to keep track of his keys and ID,” Mrs. Donovan naively stated in an interview. “I just don’t understand why this has him in such a fuss.”
“My life as I know it is over,” Jimmy told the Golden Seagull. “Everyone is going to think I’m a dweeby little freshman. I mean, I am, but that’s beside the point!”
Despite this passionate reaction from Jimmy, reports show that the only defense he could muster up was, “Mooooom, bu- bu- bu- bu-“ before she forced the lanyard around his neck.
“It’s fashionable too,” Mrs. Donovan insisted. “It says “Marquette University” all over the dang thing which is nuts because it’s like 'Oh my gosh, that’s where Jimmy goes!'”
“Mooooom, bu- bu- bu- bu-“
While we tried to get quotes from people who witnessed the event, they have dodged our interviews, obviously trying not to associate themselves with Jimmy. Even Jimmy’s new roommate is attempting to distance himself from Jimmy, as he refused to take a quote or give his name.
In defending her decision to buy a lanyard, Mrs. Donovan began an anecdote about when Jimmy was six years old and he lost his pants, but Jimmy quickly cut in to say that his mother was not available for further comments.
So what’s lies ahead for Jimmy? “Well, I’ve already looked into transferring,” Jimmy said. “It’s gonna take a lot of energy, but it beats dropping out.”