The Core Curriculum Review Committee has finished its evaluation of Marquette’s Core of Common Studies and will formally announce a list of changes this week. Among the recommended alterations is the requirement that all students must meet their future spouse before graduating Marquette.
“We believe it is important for students to find the person they want to tolerate – I mean love – for the rest of their lives,” said John Su, the director of the Core of Common Studies. “This new requirement will ensure that students are sentimental enough about their college experience to start giving us money as soon as they graduate.”
Marquette has long had a reputation as a school where lasting relationships are created. According to one lady in the admissions department, almost 75 percent of the people at an alumni event she went to in Chicago said they found lasting love while at Marquette.
Some students have expressed concerns about the updated requirements infringing on students’ rights to control their personal lives. One incoming freshman, speaking on condition of anonymity, complained that Marquette was “basically Christian Mingle with some dorms and a Qdoba.”
Others were excited about the new policy, especially those who are yet to make a college decision. Tara Hessner, a high school junior from Oconomowoc, said that she is more likely to attend Marquette because of the change.
“All the guys in my high school are so fake,” said Hessner, who has endured three breakups in the last year. “They couldn’t handle me at my worst, so they didn’t deserve me at my best. But now, someone has to put up with my worst in order to graduate!”
This announcement, while significant, did not come without heavy foreshadowing. Tour guides, professors and speakers at alumni events have touted finding a significant other as a key part of the Marquette experience for years. One event that particularly emphasized meeting a spouse was freshman convocation, which had the effect of making incoming students feel crushingly awkward. Like, even more so than usual.
“It was not what I needed to hear,” said rising sophomore Danny Weston. “I just thought, ‘Wait, I’m supposed to find a wife before I figure out when to use permanent press for my laundry?’ It’s just a weird thing to say to college students. Thank God they didn’t also make us do a square dance or anything like that.”
It should be noted that these changes will only impact the class of 2020 and subsequent freshman classes. Current Marquette students are free to continue living the bleak, meaningless lives allowed under the old rules.